This could very likely be my shortest blog post ever. I really missed my keystroke. Actually, it’s safe to say I am addiction struggling from “key-stroke blog withdrawal.” There’s nothing like emerging from an “ordeal” and coining a phrase. “Key-Stroke Blog Withdrawal.” Gonna have to write Webster’s Unabridged 2012 on that one.

Today is August 29th, but I promise the past 29 days seem like a blur. Somehow, I had surgery on August 1, 2011 and I’ve been in Emergency Room (slash) Special Procedure hell since. Being in the hospital sucks. Being in the hospital for more than 20 days is crazy, and being in the hospital on your birthday is just plain criminal.

Thank you (in retrospect) to Nurse Ginger who searched high and low to gift me with an orange popsicle. It was divine, sans candles and that hokey “Happy Birthday” song. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because after all, somewhere in Africa, there are people without access to adequate healthcare or popsicles.    Wait…is that Africa or South Jersey?

Because my journalist/writer/blogger brand is positive, I must take the high road and recount all the very special (hilarious) things that made it all blog-worthy. At the top of the list is my high school friend Terri Lee Maxey who came to visit me last week after hours. I had just been given pain meds but was restless and hungry (so I thought). We talked the nurse into letting us leave the floor so I could go to the “Rainbow Room” which is The Red Lobster of Baptist Hospital. The nurse agreed, but insisted I go in a wheel chair because I was er, um, “stoned.”

So, Terri (pictured left) and I headed for the elevator and I set my eyes on something I don’t ordinarily desire, crave, and definitely didn’t need: a corn dog. Yes indeed. It was all processed and greasy sitting under a heat light and resting in a cheap paper tray calling my name like an upset stomach waiting to happen. I’d been drinking “Ensure” supplements, apple juice, and pudding for days. A corn dog looked like filet mignon.

Terri bought it and wheeled me back to Tower 5 and situated me back in my prison bed. Somewhere between me “talking out my butt”, nodding, and trying to eat the corn dog, Terri said good night, left the room, and left me. I woke up hours later with mustard all over my sheets and half a chewed corn dog stuck on a stick but held firm in fist. (Good times. Good times. Thank you Terri ~). I would be remiss if I didn’t also add that Terri came to my mother’s home during intermittent discharges and also visited other times and brought me a lovely plant that I’ve yet to kill. You’re the best Terri, and allow me to take this moment to quasi-apologize for blowing your otherwise “angelic-reputation” via my blog. Gee…one just never knows when they’ll end up in a “Penny Post.”

This is my favorite “in-patient” story because only a friend from high school could be the perfect “naughty-assist” to help you defy a hospital diet and escape from your hospital floor. O.K. So, it wasn’t an actual escape “per se” but it was definitely an impromptu, organized excursion.

You may wonder, “Didn’t a nurse come in your room to check on you in all that time?” Uhhhh. Nope. As you can imagine, I’m the type of patient that makes any nurse pray that I just sleep. Not hearing from me is good cause for a nurse to take a breather, not panic. In this case, however, she probably should have done a room check (or two) because all that mustard ended up being a hot mess on an otherwise horribly, non-decorative blanket and sheet. My regrets to the laundry room.

In hindsight, I actually hate that I was so drugged, because I could have thought of a host of other fun things to do while we had possession of that wheelchair.

On another note, when I wasn’t causing trouble or puking, I watched more CNN than any CNN producer, staffer, or CNN junkie. I could technically start a CNN fan club. Having said that, there are a about six things in CNN rotation that have jerked my chain beyond reason:

1.  The Lockerbie Terrorist being too sick to be extradited back to the U.S. No way buddy. Get your “near-death-self”, your oxygen and fake-tank and get on a plane to face the music. Over 270 people died in that Pan Am flight (most were Americans) and he was released in 2009 because he allegedly had three months to live. It’s a hoax I tell you. A HOAX. No way is he not getting health care assistance from Libya (Ugh…). I cringe every time I see that story. And if they have no access to phone lines, how did CNN find him and get footage? Is it just me? Really? By the way…I’m sick of Libya too.
2. Hurricane Irene. While I am deeply sorry that over 20 people across eight states lost their lives, I’ve never seen news “stretched” to the point of propaganda. They just announced that despite the Hurricane, the movie “The Help” remains number one at the box office. Hmmmm. 20 deaths and a number one movie…that’s human interest balance for ya America.
3. Heart breaking was the Jamaican track star disqualified in Korea for his “false start.” Woooooweeeee. He must be dying one million deaths. It’s amazing how your entire life can change in a milli-second. Sad story.
4. Dick Cheney’s book. First of all: Dick Cheney can read? Second: I can’t believe Colon Powell “went to the moon” over ANYTHING Dick Cheney said about him. Take the high road Powell. No one’s gonna buy Dick’s book. Besides, Dick Cheney’s legacy is shooting a Hunter. (Gangsta Cheyney)
5. I must admit that I am glad the MLK Memorial was rescheduled for September or October. I was really disappointed that I’d miss it due to the August date, but now, “I Have A Dream.”  Me and Washington D.C. this fall.
6. The two pregnant women, toddlers, and others stuck in the Catskills because they evacuated Brooklyn. I’m sorry, but that’s just funny. I pray their safe rescue.

Guess this wasn’t my shortest post after-all…go figure!

Penny Dickerson 2011